Monster
by Ruthyroo
Summary: After that episode of later i had to write this. Brendan's feelings.


**Had to write a little something after that episode of Hollyoaks later. Poor Brendan, i felt so sorry for him. I hope that you like it. X X X**

**Monster :)**

"You're a monster"

Her words cut through me like a knife, they were sharp and they hurt like hell, it was over for us now. My baby sister would never look at me the same again and I can't say I blame her; I had become someone she couldn't recognise no matter how hard she tried. A monster, a freak. I don't expect her to understand but I would like her forgiveness, she is my life and I would give up my own for her, in a heartbeat.

"You're a monster"

I should tell her why I'm like this, tell her that her precious Da used to abuse me, but then that's not fair on her. She never knew him the way I did, I didn't think anyone knew…until today, until Nana's big confession. How can I forgive her she took away my kids, she took away Steven and now she took away my Chez. I have nothing anymore, nothing. She reaches her arms out to me and holds me but I don't want her to touch me, and then I hear Chez's words again…

"You're a monster"

And I hold her, really hold her; so tight that she can't breathe. I feel her arms loosen around me and then they swing down and I know she is gone. I thought I would feel better but I don't, I feel nothing, empty, dead. I think back to times he hurt me, times he abused me and the tears fall more freely now. My own Da, the one man who is supposed to show me love and guidance. He was just pure evil and now I am the same.

"You're a monster"

An evil monster that is not there for his own kids, that doesn't even know how to be a good Da. I would never lay a finger on them but that doesn't make me Da of the year does it? Then there is Steven, sweet, beautiful, flawless Steven. The only man I have ever loved, the only man I will ever love. There will never be anyone else for me. I treated him so bad, I pushed him away, why couldn't I just love him like the way I do in my heart?

"You're a monster"

Maybe that's why, are monsters even capable of love? I just used him, beat him and threw him away like he was nothing, but he's everything, he's my everything and now I've lost him for good. He knows only too well what I am capable of; the thing is when you've killed once you can kill again, it gets easier. Danny, Michael and now my own Nana…Monsters!

"You're a monster"

But I'm in there with them; my baby sister tells me so. She sees the beast in my eyes, the darkness and the bad in me, she sees it all. _"You're dead to me"_ How do I come back from this? How do I put things right? How do I make her love me? How do I make them all love me? Don't they see what I need? Can't they see the frightened little boy I am? I just want someone to make me feel like I am worth something, that some part of me is good. I know Steven tried but he gave up too quickly, I know that might be wrong of me and extremely selfish but it's how I feel. He just gave up on me.

"You're a monster"

Being here again where it all started was not a good place to be. The little boy inside me was crying, rocking, trying to block out the cruel childhood memories that I was now seeing so clearly that I was almost reliving them. I was such a good boy and very quiet, but then Nana said that was why, that was the reason for all the abuse I endured. Bad things happen to bad people but I wasn't bad back then, I was just a little boy who wanted to be superman.

"You're a monster"

My dream of being superman didn't come true, I had to let him go, he wasn't right for me. See I thought that superman couldn't get hurt, but he did get hurt didn't he? He wasn't invincible like I first thought, that's the trouble with having a heart and feelings I suppose. I try and burn my memories, erase them. So I made my own dream, I wanted to be someone who would never get hurt but that didn't work out either. My heart is shattered.

"You're a monster"

I thought Walker was my friend, I thought I could trust him, but even he has stabbed me in the back. He was plotting to get me sent down; I really didn't see that one coming. I tell him that and then I see it, I see the end. The explosion, my karma, I am thrown in a cloud of fire and I have no idea if I'm gonna make it this time.

"You're a monster"

So I lay there and I hear Chez, she is crying my name and I don't know if I will ever see her face again, or my kids, or my beautiful Steven. So I imagine that they are here with me, all the people I love and that they forgive me. I know I'm a lot of things, I'm Brendan Brady, I'm a Da, a brother, a man, a scared little boy, I'm a monster.

**Please review it really does mean a lot :) x**


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